Staying Together For The Kids Pros And Cons | Paul Friedman
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4 سال پیش
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Are you wondering what are
Are you wondering what are the pros and cons of staying together for the kids? Watch Paul gives you some tips that you probably don't know yet and might help you with your current situation.
I'd like to share something with you right off the bat. And that is that one -- you're still hopeful
that you can hold the marriage together and that's why you're looking for, what is basically an excuse to stay together and that is for the sake of the kids as it turns out for the sake of the kids is huge. Because virtually, every study done since the 50s shows decisively, definitively that when parents get a divorce the kids are tremendously impacted.
There are always some minor differences but for the most part, huge part, the kids will not be the same. And the reason why they won't be the same is pretty logical if you think about it.
Children come into the world 100% with no capacity to take care of themselves. None, zero. 100% reliance on the team which is their mother and father. And I know that therapists these days say, "Well, it just means separate homes and it's inconvenient and it's not as good for the kids but..." Imagine you and I use this illustration all the time because it's a great one. But a
friend of mine brought it to my attention many years ago when I was a divorce mediator and a judge brought it to his attention. He was another divorce mediator and the judge said, "Imagine going to a planet with two bodyguards who turn on each other."
And this is the case for the kids, they're a hundred percent dependent on you -- both. You split up, their whole world falls apart. It's just two of you and the battle that you have during a divorce
everyone says, "No, no. We're not going to go through that battle," but you do. You end up having tremendous pain, tremendous anxiety and you know what, the kids aren't the only ones impacted by your getting a divorce so are you, and so is your spouse. It's huge. Think about it that you got married it was the biggest decision of your life. And it was the wrong decision?
My approach to you in this video is that the cons are, you can't even quantify them how many negatives there are. The positives there's so few. I can't think of one positive other than there aren't any. There are no positives for the kids. So what you're really asking is, and I know this is what you meant is how can I stay together in this marriage? What can we possibly do to save this marriage? Isn't that the question you want to ask? And for that and I've done a lot of research on this, a lot of studying and I had to avoid all of western psychology's ideas because they don't work. And I started to discover principles of marriage that are essential to know
and I begin with the principle of why did you get married in the first place.
The principle basically is that the reason why you do something determines how you behave
in the process of doing that thing. You get a boat and you want to go out on the lake and you want to go to the other side. You got a boat to convey to the other side. What do you do? You don't get in the boat without any training whatsoever but if you do, what's going to happen? You'll pick up the oars and you'll go crazy. But if you got trained in how to row a boat or if it's a small sailboat how to sail a boat, you might struggle a little but because you know that you want to get to the other side and you've learned at least some of the basics of boating. You will get to the other side and by the time you do you'll probably have a good time of it but you didn't do any of that for marriage.
In fact, you didn't even come up with why you're getting married. No one does. When I asked people who would come to me back in the early days, why did you get married? The best answers that I got were not really answers. They were answers like I wanted to have kids. I wanted to be with someone in my old age. I wanted to be with my soul mate. Okay, but that's a very sort of not proactive. So I had to discover why people got married. Don't laugh when I tell you, why you got married? And by now, you're thinking already why did I get married? You got married to be happier. Of course, that's why people get married.
They don't get married so they could have a wedding day. They get married, you got married to be happier. And I'm going to add to that, I'm going to say that you got married to be happier every single day of your lives. Didn't you or did you get married so just to have children? I don't think so. The other reason for getting married and all this is going back to the pros and cons
because the biggest biggest thing that you should consider is how do we make our marriage work again or maybe for the first time.
Watch the video for more.
#marriagetips #marriagegoals #marriagelife #unconditionallove #lovewins #marriagecommitment
I'd like to share something with you right off the bat. And that is that one -- you're still hopeful
that you can hold the marriage together and that's why you're looking for, what is basically an excuse to stay together and that is for the sake of the kids as it turns out for the sake of the kids is huge. Because virtually, every study done since the 50s shows decisively, definitively that when parents get a divorce the kids are tremendously impacted.
There are always some minor differences but for the most part, huge part, the kids will not be the same. And the reason why they won't be the same is pretty logical if you think about it.
Children come into the world 100% with no capacity to take care of themselves. None, zero. 100% reliance on the team which is their mother and father. And I know that therapists these days say, "Well, it just means separate homes and it's inconvenient and it's not as good for the kids but..." Imagine you and I use this illustration all the time because it's a great one. But a
friend of mine brought it to my attention many years ago when I was a divorce mediator and a judge brought it to his attention. He was another divorce mediator and the judge said, "Imagine going to a planet with two bodyguards who turn on each other."
And this is the case for the kids, they're a hundred percent dependent on you -- both. You split up, their whole world falls apart. It's just two of you and the battle that you have during a divorce
everyone says, "No, no. We're not going to go through that battle," but you do. You end up having tremendous pain, tremendous anxiety and you know what, the kids aren't the only ones impacted by your getting a divorce so are you, and so is your spouse. It's huge. Think about it that you got married it was the biggest decision of your life. And it was the wrong decision?
My approach to you in this video is that the cons are, you can't even quantify them how many negatives there are. The positives there's so few. I can't think of one positive other than there aren't any. There are no positives for the kids. So what you're really asking is, and I know this is what you meant is how can I stay together in this marriage? What can we possibly do to save this marriage? Isn't that the question you want to ask? And for that and I've done a lot of research on this, a lot of studying and I had to avoid all of western psychology's ideas because they don't work. And I started to discover principles of marriage that are essential to know
and I begin with the principle of why did you get married in the first place.
The principle basically is that the reason why you do something determines how you behave
in the process of doing that thing. You get a boat and you want to go out on the lake and you want to go to the other side. You got a boat to convey to the other side. What do you do? You don't get in the boat without any training whatsoever but if you do, what's going to happen? You'll pick up the oars and you'll go crazy. But if you got trained in how to row a boat or if it's a small sailboat how to sail a boat, you might struggle a little but because you know that you want to get to the other side and you've learned at least some of the basics of boating. You will get to the other side and by the time you do you'll probably have a good time of it but you didn't do any of that for marriage.
In fact, you didn't even come up with why you're getting married. No one does. When I asked people who would come to me back in the early days, why did you get married? The best answers that I got were not really answers. They were answers like I wanted to have kids. I wanted to be with someone in my old age. I wanted to be with my soul mate. Okay, but that's a very sort of not proactive. So I had to discover why people got married. Don't laugh when I tell you, why you got married? And by now, you're thinking already why did I get married? You got married to be happier. Of course, that's why people get married.
They don't get married so they could have a wedding day. They get married, you got married to be happier. And I'm going to add to that, I'm going to say that you got married to be happier every single day of your lives. Didn't you or did you get married so just to have children? I don't think so. The other reason for getting married and all this is going back to the pros and cons
because the biggest biggest thing that you should consider is how do we make our marriage work again or maybe for the first time.
Watch the video for more.
#marriagetips #marriagegoals #marriagelife #unconditionallove #lovewins #marriagecommitment
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