Signs My Partner is Actually Changing for the Better
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Kristin M, Snowden, MA, LMFT,
Kristin M, Snowden, MA, LMFT, CDWF specializes in betrayal trauma, addiction recovery, and helping individuals/couples navigate relationship crises (Co-hosted by Scott Brassart of SexandRelationshipHealing.com). After a relational crisis like infidelity, emotional abuse, and/or uncovering an unknown addiction, the betrayed partner wonders what "recovery" might look like from their partner. How will you know if your partner is actually changing or "in recovery"? Will the change be long-term? How will you know if it's genuine? Kristin shares several signs that a partner is making genuine "soul-changes" versus "consequence avoidance" changes based on her 15 years of working in addiction recovery and couples crisis counseling. Here are some examples of someone on the path toward meaningful change:
BEHAVIORAL CHANGES:
• Consistent attendance of support groups/meetings
• Active participation in therapy
• Sustaining sobriety and/or shorter relapses
• Interaction with people in recovery groups/meetings (texting, lunches, activities)
• Healthy replacement activities
• Requiring less reminders to do things, more of an internal willingness to complete tasks/reparative steps
• Making and Keeping Promises and Commitments
• Doing uncomfortable things (going to meetings, making recovery friends, talking about uncomfortable things, going to lengths to help partner feel safe, emoting, etc.)
• Doing “esteemable acts”—helping with kids, checking in with partner, willingness to do things to help partner feel safe again
INTERNAL/EMOTIONAL/SPIRITUAL/SOUL CHANGES
• Increased tolerance for confronting messy feelings within themselves—guilt for what they’ve done, shame stories they tell themselves, accountability for the way they’ve harmed others
• Empathy and compassion—learning how to identify and practice empathy and compassion (empathy—feeling w someone, compassion—daily practice of recognizing and accepting our shared humanity, understand suffering and imperfection is an incurable human condition)
• Regaining or feeling for the first time a sense of agency over their life—emotions don’t run me, my trauma doesn’t define me, the bad stuff I’ve done isn’t me
• Getting mad is ok, getting sad is ok—all emotions welcome as long as they’re identified, validated, processed and healthy coping skills are used to manage them
• Hold space for loved one's messy emotions—SEPARATE out “she’s sad” from “I did this to her, so I’m bad” (better boundaries)
o Goes to recovery group for “atta boys”, not BPs—no “get over it”
• Absence of blame shifting—can listen to understand not respond, “no, its because of our marriage”
• Absence of manipulation and gaslighting
• Constructive communication
• Accountability and responsibility—past and present—know GUILT vs SHAME
• NUMBER ONE SIGN: HUMBLENESS, WHATS MY PART IN IT, LIVE LIFE IN CONSULTATION
(THIS IS EDUCATIONAL ONLY, THIS IS NOT THERAPY)
https://www.kristinsnowden.com | [email protected]
FREE ONLINE COMMUNITY AND RESOURCES: https://www.kristinsnowden.com/free-r...
Highlights
2:07 First steps after "getting caught"
3:20 We can work with "avoiding consequences"
3:52 Life Anonymous--The Promises of 12 Steps
6:11 What does recovery look like?
7:00 Behavioral changes precede "soul changes"
9:16 Importance of making/keeping promises/commitments
13:16 Changes that lead to "soul changes"
14:50 Developing empathy and compassion
16:46 Regaining a sense of agency with self
20:40 Absence of blame-shifting
23:49 Importance of humbleness and surrender
24:38 Reward system disorder--how to change it
Upload my FREE eBook: A Guide to Navigating Relationship Crisis: https://bit.ly/RelationshipCrisis to set you down a path toward healing and clarity. A collection of education, important first steps, and resources to get you through crisis.
Need help and guidance now? Get Kristin's Relationship Masterclass: Resiliency & Recovery Access her full online library of eye-opening content, helpful tools, comprehensive workbook, and much more. Options for one-on-one LIVE COACHING with Kristin http://bit.ly/RRROnlineProgram
**Join Kristin's LIVE (zoom) WORKSHOPS for betrayed partners and beyond. New sessions posted! http://bit.ly/KristinsWorkshops
Meditation Made Easy with Muse! Get 20% off with code KRISTINSNOWDEN for Muse biofeedback system and app to help with consistency, motivation, tracking,and accountability. Go to https://choosemuse.com/kristinsnowden (I receive a small commission)
**Connect with Kristin's IG Account Instagram: kristinmsnowden for announcements and discounts
JOIN KRISTIN'S FREE LIVE WEBINARS EVERY ODD MONTH, THE 2ND WED OF THE MONTH AT 9:30 AM PT through Seeking Integrity. Zoom link: https://zoom.us/j/244109360
#betrayaltraumarecovery #couplesincrisis #couplestherapy #addictionrecovery #Infidelity #crisismanagement
Kristin is the co-author of Life Anonymous: 12 Steps to Heal & Transform Your Life http://bit.ly/LifeAnonymousBook
BEHAVIORAL CHANGES:
• Consistent attendance of support groups/meetings
• Active participation in therapy
• Sustaining sobriety and/or shorter relapses
• Interaction with people in recovery groups/meetings (texting, lunches, activities)
• Healthy replacement activities
• Requiring less reminders to do things, more of an internal willingness to complete tasks/reparative steps
• Making and Keeping Promises and Commitments
• Doing uncomfortable things (going to meetings, making recovery friends, talking about uncomfortable things, going to lengths to help partner feel safe, emoting, etc.)
• Doing “esteemable acts”—helping with kids, checking in with partner, willingness to do things to help partner feel safe again
INTERNAL/EMOTIONAL/SPIRITUAL/SOUL CHANGES
• Increased tolerance for confronting messy feelings within themselves—guilt for what they’ve done, shame stories they tell themselves, accountability for the way they’ve harmed others
• Empathy and compassion—learning how to identify and practice empathy and compassion (empathy—feeling w someone, compassion—daily practice of recognizing and accepting our shared humanity, understand suffering and imperfection is an incurable human condition)
• Regaining or feeling for the first time a sense of agency over their life—emotions don’t run me, my trauma doesn’t define me, the bad stuff I’ve done isn’t me
• Getting mad is ok, getting sad is ok—all emotions welcome as long as they’re identified, validated, processed and healthy coping skills are used to manage them
• Hold space for loved one's messy emotions—SEPARATE out “she’s sad” from “I did this to her, so I’m bad” (better boundaries)
o Goes to recovery group for “atta boys”, not BPs—no “get over it”
• Absence of blame shifting—can listen to understand not respond, “no, its because of our marriage”
• Absence of manipulation and gaslighting
• Constructive communication
• Accountability and responsibility—past and present—know GUILT vs SHAME
• NUMBER ONE SIGN: HUMBLENESS, WHATS MY PART IN IT, LIVE LIFE IN CONSULTATION
(THIS IS EDUCATIONAL ONLY, THIS IS NOT THERAPY)
https://www.kristinsnowden.com | [email protected]
FREE ONLINE COMMUNITY AND RESOURCES: https://www.kristinsnowden.com/free-r...
Highlights
2:07 First steps after "getting caught"
3:20 We can work with "avoiding consequences"
3:52 Life Anonymous--The Promises of 12 Steps
6:11 What does recovery look like?
7:00 Behavioral changes precede "soul changes"
9:16 Importance of making/keeping promises/commitments
13:16 Changes that lead to "soul changes"
14:50 Developing empathy and compassion
16:46 Regaining a sense of agency with self
20:40 Absence of blame-shifting
23:49 Importance of humbleness and surrender
24:38 Reward system disorder--how to change it
Upload my FREE eBook: A Guide to Navigating Relationship Crisis: https://bit.ly/RelationshipCrisis to set you down a path toward healing and clarity. A collection of education, important first steps, and resources to get you through crisis.
Need help and guidance now? Get Kristin's Relationship Masterclass: Resiliency & Recovery Access her full online library of eye-opening content, helpful tools, comprehensive workbook, and much more. Options for one-on-one LIVE COACHING with Kristin http://bit.ly/RRROnlineProgram
**Join Kristin's LIVE (zoom) WORKSHOPS for betrayed partners and beyond. New sessions posted! http://bit.ly/KristinsWorkshops
Meditation Made Easy with Muse! Get 20% off with code KRISTINSNOWDEN for Muse biofeedback system and app to help with consistency, motivation, tracking,and accountability. Go to https://choosemuse.com/kristinsnowden (I receive a small commission)
**Connect with Kristin's IG Account Instagram: kristinmsnowden for announcements and discounts
JOIN KRISTIN'S FREE LIVE WEBINARS EVERY ODD MONTH, THE 2ND WED OF THE MONTH AT 9:30 AM PT through Seeking Integrity. Zoom link: https://zoom.us/j/244109360
#betrayaltraumarecovery #couplesincrisis #couplestherapy #addictionrecovery #Infidelity #crisismanagement
Kristin is the co-author of Life Anonymous: 12 Steps to Heal & Transform Your Life http://bit.ly/LifeAnonymousBook
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