Don't let go

music is Real Thing by Maverick City Music & Dante Brown
I'm also raising money to build a computer lab for a school in Jamaica next year! see this gofundme link if you can help: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-build...

It’s July 14th. Or maybe it’s the 13th I’m not sure, I haven’t been doing well with keeping track of the days anymore
I haven’t journaled since I was in LA. It was nice hanging with montell and noah, and meeting all their friends. I found myself more reclusive than I normally would have been, I felt more comfortable being observant than involved. Some would call it introversion, I like to think I’m extroverted in more intimate spaces. In my observation I noticed a few people - like Montell's sister. She had such a genuine spirit. It seemed she was so effortlessly herself, like she had nothing to prove. And she was always honest, I could feel that she was protected, blessed, and highly favoured. It was nice to experience her way of being, I wondered how I could be more like this.
Another guy that stood out to me was Grant. In honesty I can’t remember his actual name but he seems like someone you’d call Grant. He told me he couldn’t pray in a traditional sense, instead he would journal his thoughts and in those moments he would feel closest to God. He was a believer too, but his relationship was so unique, and entirely authentic that it inspired me to be more honest in mine.
But last night I listened to this guy’s testimony about experiencing hell and then being in the presence of God, and all that he described made me feel like God is owed more than I’m offering. Though I know God does not speak in a voice of condemnation, I still feel plagued by it. So I am in a place of uncertainty again. I don’t feel very secure in anything I believe. I’m finding it hard to distinguish between what is true, what isn’t, and what I don’t fully understand. I’m not afraid of hell, I don’t wanna be here, but I don’t know what to expect from heaven. I don’t feel alive but I don’t wanna die, I just want a better life. One that is not subject to moods so easily shifted, clarity so swiftly blurred, or peace so inevitably disturbed. I know there’s a better way of thinking than how I’m thinking now. I’m wondering how I can make it there. I feel plagued by my own mind and this is starting to feel too much like complaining so I put my hope in this:
To find clarity you must first endure confusion, because faith is born in the midst of uncertainty.
It is in our despair that we allow God the most room to reveal his strength. We depend on him most when we have nothing else and for people this is stress but in dependence he is at his best. So I humble myself in prayer and ask as reverently as I can: please reveal yourself.
Because it's been a long time since I’ve had a good time. It’s been a good while since I’ve genuinely enjoyed being alive, mostly it feels like fighting off my mind for a chance at a smile; I know this isn’t it for me. So show me how to dream again. Show me how to hope despite all my doubts, give me a love that I don’t have to seek out, show me now my reason for being here. Because I can’t continue living waiting to die, when there’s no point in going outside if I’m only ever in my mind, show me life.

all praise to the most high
@unfollowcarter
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