Xavier Renegade Angel - Xavier Meets Xavier

I can't find . right now so I rerecorded from HBO Max
Xavier Renegade Angel S01E10 - Shakashuri Blowdown

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Cell phone dials and rings

XAVIER 1
“Hello? Hello?”

XAVIER 2
“Hello?”

XAVIER 1
“Who’s this?”

XAVIER 2
“Who’s this?”

XAVIER 1
“I’m asking the questions. I called you.”

XAVIER 2
“No, I called you. And you sound like the ugliest son of a bitch I ever heard.”

XAVIER 1
“You sound like the physical manifestation of some loser’s inner demons.”

XAVIER 2
“Well, you sound like some total chode’s inability to confront the reality of his past actions.”

XAVIER 1
“If I ever get your stinky mug in my line of sight I swear to Chekhov I’ll cock your clock off.”

XAVIER 2
“Well I’m going to be the bigger man and hang up first uh-”
Phone hangs up
“Damn it!”

XAVIER 2
“Listen. We don’t cotton to freaks ‘round these parts. Scram, weirdo!”

XAVIER 1
“Oh yeah? I don’t poly-cotton to coping tropes, even my own. So why don’t you split?”

XAVIER 2
“Looks like I already did. You’re the sad figment of my twisted psyche’s tragic dividend. You’re the un-me, I’m the real me. You wanna be? Me?”

XAVIER 1
“Kiddo, I was the real me when you were still in my short pants.”

XAVIER 2
“Hate to break it to you, but I wore them first. Me bequeathed thee the psychopathological hand-you-downs.”

XAVIER 1
“So you’re the one who stained them.”

XAVIER 2
“Whoever found it, browned it.”

XAVIER 1
“You’d like me to be you, wouldn’t me? But it’s too late. You snoze, you lose.”

XAVIER 2
“You sleeped, you weeped.”

XAVIER 1
“You nappa, you get slappa.”

XAVIER 2
“You slumber, a cucumber.”

XAVIER 1
“You catch up on some zeds, you get outta my heads!”

XAVIER 2
“You slumber, ham… burger!Idon’twannatalkboutnuttinelsehaah”

XAVIER 1
“Listen, this psyche is not big enough for two metaphysical seekers.”
Switch positions

XAVIER 2
“You couldn’t seek your way out of a cardboard bag.”

XAVIER 1
“Yeah, I know. Cuz it would be an egg.”

XAVIER 2
Whiplash sound effect
“Ooh!”
(*Thinking* “This guy might be better than me.”

XAVIER 1
“You’re right. I am better than me.”

XAVIER 2
“Look buddy, know when you’re defeated. Accept your defecation.”

XAVIER 1
“No thanks, I’m full. Cuz I eat pussies like you for breakfast.”

XAVIER 2
“Look at you. You look so superficial, you probably judge things by their physical appearance.”

XAVIER 1
“Oh yeah? Your mom’s so shallow she probably thinks this quip is about her.”

XAVIER 2
“You’re about as deep as a bowl of soup. And your tongue is about as sharp as a soup spoon!”

XAVIER 1
“Hey. Say what you want about me, but lay off the soup.”

XAVIER 2
“If you love soup so much, why don’t you marry soup?”

XAVIER 1
“Cuz I’m already married. To justice.”

XAVIER 2
“Yeah. Only a blind girl would marry you.”

XAVIER 1
“I know everything you’re gonna-”

XAVIER 2
“-say. And I know everything you’re gonna-”

XAVIER 1
“-don’t.”

XAVIER 2
“Oh yeah? Well, when God was passing out insight, you thought he said- that- when God- was passing out holy prophets, you thought he said oily faucets. Cuz your soul has diarrhea. Of the mouth. Faucet.”

XAVIER 1
“Are you so dumb you even answer rhetorical questions?”

XAVIER 2
“I don’t know. Do you?”

XAVIER 1
“We can play this game all night.”

XAVIER 2
“First of all, it’s day time. And this is no game.”

XAVIER 1
“Checkmate.”

XAVIER 2
“Oh! So you admit that you’re checkin’ me out, and you wanna mate?”

XAVIER 1
“Ooh! You got a license to sell hotdogs, chico man?”

XAVIER 2
“No, They wouldn’t give it to me, because, when I was filling out the application, my penis was sticking out!”

XAVIER 1
“Oh yeah? You only got one penii? Let me see it.”

XAVIER 2
“See with your eyes, not with your mouth.”

XAVIER 1
“I’ll call your bluff. I’ll see your penis with your mouth, and I raise you with my hand.”

XAVIER 2
“Ante up.”

XAVIER 1
Fart sound effect
“Goohoh! Damn it!”

XAVIER 2
“What’s wrong?”

XAVIER 1
“I crapped out. But I’m tough, I can suck it up. Hohoog!”

XAVIER 2
“Okay. Count of three, we show what’s under the loincloth. Weiner take all.”

XAVIER 1 & 2
“One… two… three.”